Welcome!... to some trash in my sewer

I've never had a blog like this. I mean, I have a blog, but never one of this nature. Yay for new learning experiences! It's funny because a few days ago I felt like I had so many things to say here but now I don't know where to go on this blank page. I guess I want to preface this with, "I haven't written for an audience in over a year."

Last year in Venezuela God did many things through me and in me. To many people I've talked a lot about the "through" part but the "in" is a little harder to get to. A good place to start is He humbled me. He humbled me in ways I don't even know yet or fully understand. One way I do understand already though is my writing. Last year God stripped me of my writing. Or more specifically my performance and pride wrapped up in writing. I had started to write less for God and more for people in every way possible.

Now writing for an audience is one thing but writing to impress those people is a whole different thing altogether. Complements of my writing had gone to my head in a balloon effect kind of way. Somewhere along the line it became about me and how much I could awe people. Not good. There was also this other interesting thing going on with my writing as well.

I connect greatly with God through writing. When I journal, write poetry or stories, He shows up and teaches me things I just couldn't understand before. That's good, right? Well, sometimes in an awesome Christian community people ask you how your walk with God is going or what He is teaching you about lately. I am ever grateful for that. But I had started taking my writing and saying "See, this is what God is teaching me!" or "Read and see how awesome my walk with the Lord is!" Again, not good. I had started to perform in my walk with Jesus and writing became my sick means to do so.

This brings us back to last year in Venezuela, pretty early on actually. God put a writing block in my head so big that I couldn't even try to write. When I did I just got frustrated and angry. I stayed that way about my writing for most of the year. I didn't have the eyes to yet see what God was really doing. It started to become telling though once I found peace in being broken before God and others. When I didn't have to have this awesome piece of poetry that went deep or a perfectly coiled journal entry that I could read before others. No no. I just had to be. With God and with my brothers and sisters. That was hard. That was humbling. I no longer had anything to "show" for my walk with Jesus. It just had to be.

Coming home this summer was enlightening to say the least. God started letting me know the why behind all of this writing business. He took me into the depths of His mercy. It is a merciful thing that He didn't let me write this past year. He is merciful for not letting me go deeper into performance in regards to my walk with Him or my writing. He is merciful. And then there's His grace.

He pours out His grace as if it were a fully opened fire hydrant gushing into the vile sewers. Let's be clear about this. He is the life saving fire-hydrant water and we are the revolting, foul, odious, nauseating sewers of sin needing to be so filled with grace-water that it brings out the nasty onto the surface to be swept away instead of hidden deep. He pours out His grace. If grace is receiving what you didn't earn, then boy is it a grace-filled thing that I am writing again. He gave me the go ahead on writing some things. There are still poems and stories that have yet to see the light of day and might not ever be seen by other eyes. I think that's more than okay. After all, He is teaching me that I write for Him and Him alone.

Even this, directed to you, a very specific audience which is seemingly not God, is for Him. If it weren't I'd be dead afraid of telling you what I just did. I mean, I'm still in this. We're not out of the woods yet on me being stripped of my performance writing. Hence why no poems or prose or stories will be posted for awhile. But in the meantime I hope you enjoy this blog and my adventures with Jesus and in Venezuela.

This is not what I had thought I would write. Maybe I'll write that another day this week. This is just what needed to be said so you would know where I'm coming from with writing this blog. This is not an easy task. Then again, neither is following Jesus. Peace and grace and I pray most of all love to you my friends.